Friday, June 19, 2009

Just D'oh It!


I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I'm having the best day of my life and I owe it all to not going to church!

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard and I love my kids, 
so why should I spend half my sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

I've always wondered if there was a god--now I know there is--and it's me.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? 
Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. 
I already did the same thing, 
and we can't both win.

The lesson is : Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, 
show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!

A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. 
I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.

If god didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

Jesus, Alla, Buddha ... I love you all!

God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!

I felt a surge of power, like god must feel, when he's holding a gun.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. 

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. 

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals. 

 want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! 
Number 3: It was like that when I got here. 

Trying is the first step to failure.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. 

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' 

If at first you don't succeed, give up.

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. 

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing 

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! 

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. 

I am 26 hours late for work.
 No time for Maggie.

Kids are great, Appu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, 
you know, with the internet and all.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, 
but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. 

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Son, this is the only time I'm gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. 

Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be baking?

Lisa, two wrongs DO make a right!

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, 
and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Ahhh...sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Marge, don't discourage the boy! 
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. 
It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. 

The strong must protect the sweet.

Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leah and as smart as Yoda.

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else...

I will live to be 42. Oh, only 42 ?!? I won't even live to see my children die.

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. 
They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. 

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy. 

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. 

And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!

Rock stars... Is there anything they don't know?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. 

Son, when you participate in sporting events,
 it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. 

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. 

They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, 
but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.
 Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. 

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. 

Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, 
he gets to break yours.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman. 

Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? 
Besides, every time I learn something new,
 it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. 
Remember when I took that home winemaking course,
 and I forgot how to drive? 

No matter how good you are at something, 
there's always about a million people better than you.

[Looking at a globe being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.' 

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you
let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Oh well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. 

Relax, what is mind? No matter. What is matter? Nevermind.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. 

Operator! Give me the number for 911! 

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am.

There's a New Mexico?!?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things! 

The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

All right, let's not panic. 
I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. 
I can get by with one.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!

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