Saturday, May 16, 2009

Edward Penishands

      It has been raining quite often lately which has caused our demented internet connection to screw up. When the mouse potato cannot play there is nothing to do but laze the day away. Popped a few DVDs that would most definitely incur the ire of Edu Manzano and dipped my hand in a jar filled with Curly Tops. Aaahh, cheap chocolates and pirated DVDs. I am in bum heaven. 

  Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Directed and written by Kevin Smith (of the Jay and Silent Bob fame). Starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. Wickedly funny.  Zack and Miri are platonic friends sharing an apartment and a load of unpaid bills. Both attend their high school reunion and discover a former classmate who is now a pornstar. This inspires them to make a porn movie of their own. They hire a small cast consisting of oddballs. They realize their romantic feelings for each other while performing a sex scene and this complicates everything. 

     1. The name of the porn movie they are making is called Star Whores. Hello fanboys, did I get your blood pumping or what?

     2. Seth Rogen is strangely attractive. This may be the Curly Tops speaking.

     3. Justin Long as a gay pornstar who is in a relationship with the former school hearthrob played by the absurdly gorgeous Brandon Routh. They share a brief kiss after a lovers' quarrel. Twilight Zone moment. Justin is hilarious as the gay pornstar. 

     4. Zack mentions a few porn movie titles, one of which is Edward Penishands which I recently discovered in Imdb to be an actual porn movie. Must see. 

     5. Jason Mewes (Jay of Jay and Silent Bob) has a full frontal scene. Bends over a refrigerator, in all his hairy ball glory. Almost choked on a Curly Top. 

     6. The F word is mentioned 229 times. Fucketry galore. May be NSFW. Wear headphones while auspiciously viewing at your workplace. 

      7. Miri: If it's so easy, how come everyone doesn't do it? 
          Zack: Because other people have options--and dignity--which we don't have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position! 

         This line made my day. 

 Taken. Directed by Pierre Morel and written by Luc Besson (Transporter and The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc) and Robert Mark Kamen. Starring Liam Neeson and Maggie Grace. A fast-paced and straight forward high speed action. Thoroughly enjoyable. Liam plays Bryan Mills. A former secret service spy who has retired to spend more time with his daughter Kim who now lives with her mother and her wealthy stepfather. Kim convinces the reluctant Bryan to sign an authorization document to allow her to travel to Paris with her friend Amanda. In Paris they share a cab with an attractive acquaintance named Peter. Peter discovers where they live and he finds out they are alone on a vacation. When Bryan succeeds in contacting his daughter, a group of Albanian syndicate enter the apartment and abducts both girls. Bryan vows to get his daughter back. He finds out the Albanians are a group involved in human trafficking. He immediately flies to Paris and tracks down the group to retrieve his daughter. 

     1. Recently understood what my mum finds so sexy about Liam Neeson. He has this unexplainable potent charisma that women will find very difficult to ignore. I personally love his voice, very subtly sexy. He is someone who commands attention without being overtly manly. 

     2. Maggie and the girl who played Amanda do not look like seventeen year olds. My sister is seventeen, she looks like a fetus next to these two. 

    3. The scary side of Paris. Now there is no way my overprotective father will ever let me travel to Europe without a mature companion. And by mature he means he and my mother or a husband who will not sell me to an Albanian trafficking syndicate.

    4. Note to self: Do not share cabs with cute italian acquaintances. Must save that for the fourth date to ensure he will keep seeing me. 

    5. This movie makes me wish my father were a secret service spy. Oh wait, he is. 

    6. Famke Janssen (who plays Kim's mother) is wearing the same top throughout the entire movie. I understand this would be a highly stressful situation for any mother but at least change your clothes woman! You are wearing the same top when you drop off your daughter at the airport on the way to Paris and when your daughter comes home. You are supposed to be married to a millionaire. Duh.

    7. A straight forward action movie where the characters aren't complicated. No quirks, no oddities, no unresolved issues for a change. Unpretentious and refreshing. 

 The Game Plan. Directed by Andy Fickman and written by Nicholle Millard and Kathryn Price. Starring Dwayne Johnson and Madison Pettis. Cute and lighthearted. Dwayne plays Joe Kingman. The star quarterback of the Boston Rebels. He is egotistical, wealthy and enjoying bachelorhood immensely. His life turns topsy turvy when eight year old Peyton Kelly shows up at his doorstep claiming to be his offspring. In order to avoid distractions, his media savvy manager decides to package the two as a loving father and daughter. The precocious youth boosts his popularity. Peyton makes up for lost time by engaging her father in various activities such as ballet dancing. Joe connects with his long-lost daughter and discovers fatherly affection towards the little girl. Complications arise when Peyton's real situation is revealed. 

     1. Spike is incredibly adorable in a pink tutu. Will dissolve anyone in a gooey puddle of cuteness. Note to Self: Must buy one for Bruce.

    2. The Rock in tights. What is it with Disney making all these action stars look motherly? Hello Vin Diesel, you shouldn't have allowed these people to tamper your uhmm....masculinity. 

    3. Must beware of bedazzling kit, will turn anything tacky. 

    4. The girl who plays Joe's haughty lady friend looks too old to be twenty one. I'm twenty one honey, my uterus has not protruded and my breasts are still together. What is it with these casting people?

    5. Dwayne Johnson looks funny when he's emoting. 

    6. Spike is a scene stealer. Adorableness galore. 

    7. The ending is quite predictable. Then again, this is a Disney movie. 


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